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Monday, April 3rd, 2006
11:56 pm

The Mark Story Until Tonight...

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Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
9:58 pm

Tonight, my boyfriend had a really bad headache and I made him pull over. After a few minutes, he passed out in the driver's seat. I don't think I've ever been so scared as I have been in my entire life. I made Shawn call Mack and Ryan who were in the other car to come back and help, because I wasn't sure what to do next. He was breathing and I knew to keep his head up. That was about it, besides rubbing his cheek and calling his name. I dunno if that helped or not, but it was all I could do.

Mark woke up minutes later and kept saying, "I'm fine, I'm fine.", but I knew it wasn't true, your not fine when you just pass out and won't tell me what's really wrong. Mack and Ryan showed up and Mark kept telling everyone that he was alright. Mack said he was willing to drive, but Mark refused and Ryan said that he would follow us closely all the way home.

Mark then dropped me off at home, saying that he would call me tonight at 11:30, when he got home to let me know that he was alright and that he loved me. I just nodded my head and told him I loved him and I wouldn't know what I would do without him.

Mum asked me why I was late and I told her everything. We got into a fight about it her, telling me I should call his mum to let her know what happened, so that he would keep his promise about going to the doctor about his headaches. I finally gave in, knowing that it was probably the right thing to do.

I called his mum seconds later and she hasn't known about the headaches, but told me that Mark has been cutting again. Something that he and I made a promise to stop. Then his mom went on saying that he has never been known to do something like that and she knew that I used to. (Apparently from Mark) I told her I've been clean now for a month. Then she said that he must have gotten the cutting idea from me. I love Mark, BUT HOW DARE SHE SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ME LIKE THAT! SHE DOESN'T KNOW ME! SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME OR THE FUCKING SHIT THAT I HAVE HAD TO GONE THROUGH! It hurt and still does so bad, to the point where I'm wanting to cut again, but I'm not going to, because I'm stronger than that.

Afterwards, she said he must have gotten the headache thing from me too. (WTF!!!) I told her that I had to go, but I just wanted her to know that I was concerned about Mark and I wanted her to know.

Did I do the wrong thing??? :( :(

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Thursday, March 9th, 2006
4:45 pm

I don't know what the fuck just happened. I was in the car with my mom, and she was all like 'Bye Honey, have a nice day', then she points at my ankle(where my new cuts are) and says 'and don't do that anymore, you might get an infection.' I didn't know she knew I cut myself in the first place, and then she just acts like it's no big deal to quit, like I'm just doing it to kill time or something. I just said okay and got out of the car, but that made me mad. How did she know in the first place?? Oh god, is she going to tell my dad???? What should I do???

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Monday, February 27th, 2006
11:46 pm - My life is shit

Just here to vent I guess..

I've had a bad past. I got mollested for 2 to 3 years straight by my older brother.
& my boyfriend and I never get along anymore so were constantly fighting. I love him with all my heart.

I've been cutting for a year and a half now. I stopped for six months straight, But now I started back up again. I dont eat anymore, and lost alot of weight. 90 pounds is my weight goal, I'm 5'7 and I'm 17 years old.

Im not anorexic, But my parents think im "Becoming" to be so.

My life is Pretty much complete shit. I dont go to Reg/public high school anymore, I'm in Independent studies, and I lost most of my friends.

Weed is chill.
getting high is chill.

My parents Dont give a fuck I cut. Which I'm Ok with since I dont do it for attention.
The end.

Feel free to add me.

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Saturday, February 25th, 2006
1:34 pm

I'm updating from a library computer so my dad won't see this on my history. I cut again this morning, and my mom almost caught me. I worry that she'll walk in on me cutting someday. That would be the second worst thing that could happen. The worst would be her finding my livejournal. That's why I have to be careful, because if my dad finds anything bad, he'll tell my mom, and it'll all be over. I am proud to anounce that I talked my mom into letting me switch counselors. I couldn't stand my old one. She was annoying, she wrote down everything I said, and she told my mom everything. Just an update, so people know what's going on with me.

current mood: okay

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Saturday, February 18th, 2006
12:38 am

1350+ members. Self Injury/Suicide support community. Anyone can join.
If you SI, used to, think about it, know someone who does, etc; feel free to join.
It isn't pro or anti SI, it for support, and support you *will* get there or could give.

It's like a big family more than anything, with new people coming
everyday & sometimes people feeling recovered enough to leave.

It is a safe place to go and let things out, ask for help/advice
or anything of that sort; and it will continue to be safe too.

Remember to read the rules if you join, they're easy to follow but very important. :)

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Sunday, February 12th, 2006
6:06 pm - New Here

Hi. My name is Diana. I have been cutting for about a year now. I used to say 'I'm not a cutter' because I didn't actually cut with razors, just needles. I can't even use that excuse anymore, as over the last week I pulled apart a disposable razor and just about destroyed my ankles. I have a counselor that I see every week, and while she's nice, I don't feel like I can tell her anything. My mom noticed that I cut myself once, and hasn't left me alone about it since, so I never cut on my arms anymore. My dad doesn't care. Just thought I'd give you a little background...

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Monday, January 23rd, 2006
5:06 pm

I wait for that cold and dark feeling to take me away
as i lay in the tub full of water thats getting deeper red by the moment
i wait to take my last breath as i leave this horride life
tears string down my face as i see my beautiful wrists split open
and draining the very same blood that keeps me breathing
i think of the goodbye letters i wrote
that lay apon my bed waiting to be discovered
in these letters i say goodbye and im sorry for what i did
i ask you to forgive me and i tell you how much i love u
my reason for doing this is complicated yet simple
i live in a world were im surrounded by people yet im lonely inside with sadness
i hope that you forgive me and pray for my soul

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4:59 pm

im new to the community, i just found it bout half hour ago and i posted up some poems ive written, ive been cutting for about almost 4 yrs now ima a junior and life gets hard sometimes and writting doesnt always help but bleeding and pain does. can u relate?

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4:58 pm

The one you love can hurt you the most
Break your heart and make you shed tears
My heart and arms bleed for you
When you watch yourself split your veins open and see the blood that runs threw them you known its coming to an end
The room starts getting dark and your vision gets blury
And before you close your eyes one last time, you look down at your wrists and remember why you did this
You did this for love, love that will never be yours again
That same love that made life worth living for is gone and tears drip down your sad face as you think of the day you said goodbye to the one you love, you take one last breath and open your eyes to find yourself lying in bed knowing what love can drive you to do.

The less people you love or let love you,
the less chance there is of being hurt.


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4:58 pm

Can you feel my pain deep inside
Can you see why i feel the need to hide
I shut the world out and all its sun shine
because all i hear is how things will be fine
if you only knew how hard it was to keep going
maybe one day i'll be gone with no reason of knowing
the horrors of the past haunt me at night
im trying so hard but i can no longer fight
the darkness calling me to its empty n cold foreverness

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4:57 pm

what am i to do when my face is wet from tears
and my arm covered in blood
how should i feel when u tell me your leaving
you say things will be ok when i know they wont
you said you'd never leave me and now you r
how do u fix a broken heart that wants to die
how can u say u love me when ur not here to wipe my tears away
i cry on the inside n out bc i cant hold it in anymore
once again that dark place is calling
how can u blame me for wanting to end my pain
u know how it feels to have that peace
i want to go to sleep, a everlasting sleep
and so i will, take the bottle n lay down
in thoughts of u i will drown
worst of all they wont know why but u will
for everything i love you and say goodbye

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4:56 pm

i want to tell you that im sorry
im sorry i left you all alone
in this cold dark world i use to call home
theres was nothing you cud have said or done
so please i just want you to move on
please be happy and try not to look back
i know ive left behinde so many broken lives
and i apologize a hundred times
please dont be sad or cry
for i have now left all my sadness behinde
i will forever watch over you and keep you safe from harm
just remember of how u once held me in ur arms
please never forget me thats not what i want
keep me as a memory deep in ur heart
please know that i love u dearly
and never meant to cause you pain
i just felt that ive had enough of this lonely game

Love jessica

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Sunday, January 15th, 2006
12:35 pm

im new here, so i guess i'll tell you my info...

ive been ana for about a year, over the summer i went to rehab and sadly i convinced them taht i was better. i came back home and just went back to my old ways until..idk...somehting snapped. now im trying to get back on track again...newayz...i statrted cutting mostly cuz..idk...well, i guess it just comes with being ana ya know? it was an easy way out of the pain i was feeling from all the other stuff goin on....
add me if u want :)

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Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
1:44 pm

i cut like at least 30 cuts on my thighs and legs..last night...cause i got a call from a friend and it disturbed me greatly..one o fmy closet friends tried to commit suicide...the day before yesterday..with a knife she slit her throat butshe is still alive..i started to cry..and then i took up my box cutter...and couldnt stop...till the blood was dripping down...my legs....and then pouring down my legs..and some of them are still bleeding from last night...i feel so guilty now that i cut so much...but i just can not deal with the fact..that she tried to end her life...was i not good enough reason for her to live?..

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Saturday, October 15th, 2005
1:41 pm - ....)

I play doctor for five seconds flat,
before i cut my heart open and let he air out
new here
searchin for some friends...

current mood: artistic

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Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
1:03 pm

Hi, I just joined this community.
Im actually really surprised I was able to find it.
I'm 17, and Ive been cutting for 4 years.
I cut because I get really wrapped up in all the bad things that go on. My sister tried to stab me and my siblings, my so called dad hates my guts, and calls me fat every day ( Im also ana) Well, more like an anorexic pig, I weigh 137, im 5'5. Anyway back to cutting, My mom lost a slow painful fight to cancer, I watched her die......Depression clearly an aspect of my cutting. One of my best friends recently died....Life is sometimes to much to handle.
I don't feel the blade nemore, but the more i bleed, the more I feel the pain leaving my system, at least fr a little while. I have 3 major scars on my fore arm, but i try to cut not to scar. Scars leave reminders of the pain...hense cutting more. I Am not open with my cutting, my friends would never know.
They also don't know I sniff Percs every day...if neone was to meet me..they'd think of me as a preppy normal jock girl. How wrong you would all be.
Anyways, nice to meet everyone/

current mood: crushed

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Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
4:39 pm - Ode To A Chippermonkey


Might trigger..I dunno. Just thought I should cut to be on the safe side. A poem I wrote a while ago.Collapse )

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Thursday, September 15th, 2005
12:12 am

I found a little patch on my arm that wasn't used, and I filled it up with my frustration at my online store for shipping my journals to my neighbor, almost making me lose them to "Return to Sender".
It wasn't very satisfying.

The farther up the arm you go (up being away from the arteries, down being towrds them) the less blood there will be. This is because the tiny veins in your arms are in the same quantity as you move up, but are farther and farther spread apart as your arm gets thicker. This also means there is less clotting, and less of a mark. Very useful for times when you want no eveidence particularly, but rather useless when you like to see results.

So all in all, it wasn't a very satisfying cut.


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Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
1:02 am

I really did do too much last time. I just don't have anymore room anywhere on my favourite spor, my forearms.
I bought a new set of armbands...fishnet. I figure, then, they netting will be enough to easily hide all scars and marks, unless one is looking hard to see them, but it will give the illusion of not really covering anything up...and hence break the idea from ym mother's mind that I am "always" covering my arms.
Not that she isn't right. I just don't want her to know that.

I ordered three new pretty journals...they should ladt me for at least a couple years. I closed out my old one, and put it with the others.
I love my journals.

Got some other pretty things, but that's about it. Journa;s to document my sanity, and armbands to cover it up.

I'll have to crack out a new blade and get to work on my palms and legs.

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