readthroughme02 (readthroughme02) wrote in cut_yourself,

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So I have this thing....but i dont know if i should neccesarily talk about it or not...but i feel like if i dont i'll explode...i cant stop thinking about it, ...or anything to do with it and this person...
I'm not saying names, cuz that would be bad. and i'm not saying sex so hopefully no1 can figure out who it is......but i have this really really close friend who i love with all my heart. this person has been having difficulty with some shit thats going on in their life lately...and they've been trying to find ways to deal with it. but nothing they do really helps...until this person did what they did the other night...this person knows that i cut, they dont approve but they have long givven up on trying to make me quit. cuz they know it wont happen unless i want it to happen...its funny, cuz this person doesnt aproove AT ALL. but i was talking to this person the other night and i could tell that something was wrong. at first they wouldnt tell me a thing just b/c they were alot of ppl around, but i finally got this person alone, and i was like "ok, so seriously. what is up, whats going on?" and they told me alot of shit that i never would have guessed was going on. i couldnt believe that they hadnt told me sooner...but i was just glad they they told me so i was like, ok, whatever. and i tried to help them deal with it...what this person told me was some shitty ass stuff about this persons bf/gf (not saying sex 'member?) had this person was pretty torn over that. this person thought that it was their fault. they thought that b/c they had told their gf/bf about me and my cutting, and that they had told their gf/bf about them wanting to cut that it was their fault that their gf/bf had cut...i'm sure it had some play in the cutting taking place. but of course i didnt tell this person that. i tried to reasure them that it wasnt their fault, that it would have happened neway....but then this person goes on to tell me that they cut too!! only once, and they said it hadnt worked very well. but they still tried and i coudl see the, i know i was telling this person that their gf/bf cutting wasnt their fault...but this person's cutting is OBVIOUSLY MY FAULT!!! this person is around me and my cutting so much, that it musta like...rubbed off on them or somethign! or at least thats where they got the idea of cutting from! FROM ME!!! how could i do that to someone?!?!? HOW COULD I DO THAT!?!?!?!? how could i care SO LITTLE to not about what happened to them. what kind of role model is that?!? i'm the one that gave this person the idea of cutting. its not just a normal thought that comes at a certain age. it has to be introduced to u.
like, best friend told me about her cutting. i tried it. 2 weeks later i was as bad as she was...thats where this is going. idk what i would do if this person started cutting...i dont think i could live while knowing that its my fault they got into this fucked up state...i...i just dont know what i would do...i love this person so much...i would do ANYTHING to have them take back those few scratches on their arm and never think about cutting again...but i know that wont cant happen....i just dont know what i'm going to do with my self if this goes any further...I FUCKING LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!
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